I WILL REBUILD YOU | RACHEL BOND
I have a confession to make. I cried in my Werb's Group last week. One thing I learnt (aside from the fact that my Werb's Group are lovely and encouraging) is that it's really awkward to cry in a group over Zoom!
For some of us in this time things may be really hard as we cope with illness and for some, death and grieving and doing that alone. For others perhaps the loss of a job or financial worries and uncertainty about the future are causing a lot of worry and concern. For many of us we are not having to deal with these more significant struggles and yet life is, well...strange and can feel difficult.
In this season of lockdown, have you found yourself getting angry, tearful, anxious, worried, etc, at moments you didn't expect? Have people that didn't really annoy you before started to get annoying? Are you comparing your lockdown experience to others and in the process either diminishing their struggles or your own?
I have a friend who recently joined an online house group with a church that she had been in and out of a little bit, but during lockdown she is living alone and reached out to join a community group and she knows no one. Week 1 went well but by week 2 she'd lost track of days, forgot to go, emailed them to apologise and then realised it was bi-weekly and felt stupid. This friend is usually not one to be that fussed in such a situation. She would have sent an apology email, realised her mistake and moved on without a second thought. But in lockdown there were WhatsApp messages of worry about what people might think of her. Not being able to see people for a face to face (not on screen) chat is causing us to question ourselves more than ever.
If you and I are friends on social media you may have noticed that I enjoy updating my 'stories' with whatever I'm amusing myself with that day or showing off that after 6 weeks of longing I finally found some antibacterial surface cleaner in the supermarket! I also love watching other people's, it's a little insight into their world. But social media can be hard to navigate at the best of times and can leave us feeling deflated after comparing our normal life with another's highlight reel. But whatever we post is likely to cause upset to someone on our 'friends' list. Here are some examples:
Seeing someone's beautiful date night when our relationship has ended or we have never had a relationship.
People talking of the struggles with their kids being home all the time when there are some who would love to have kids sharing their home.
People sharing about all the food they're eating when others cupboards are empty or are struggling with an eating disorder.
Seeing parents completing crafts and projects with their kids when others have only managed to brush their kids’ teeth that day.
Sharing that you bought antibac spray when someone STILL hasn't managed to get any.
See, some things may seem trivial or harmless but with our emotions so heightened right now some things will perhaps cut to the bone. Almost anything we post will cause upset to someone and although we want to be sensitive, it's hard to know how someone might react. It's a minefield! So kindness, patience and grace towards each other at this time is essential (in social media and real life!) and the need to begin to understand why we feel the way we do and why our emotions are running high is important too.
A friend shared a tweet thread with me the other week which I thought was really helpful in beginning to explain some of this. It's by Alexis Rockley who describes herself as a psychology certified business coach.
She says this " Let me be clear, those "all over the place" feelings you've been having? They are not symptoms of stress, not personal failures of yours. Do you feel flakey and inconsistent? That's because your brain doesn't know what news to brace for next, or what next month will hold. Tired easily? That's because your brain is burning your energy 10x faster than usual. Can't seem to focus? That's because your brain has temporarily shut down some functionality in your prefrontal cortex - the part that juggles complex tasks and planning - due to the stress response. Feeling creatively blocked? That's because your brain has temporarily diverted all it's creativity (aka ability to solve novel problems) to "how do I avoid dying?" while in a narrowed, slow burn, fight or flight state. Suddenly don't give a **** about future-based goals, projects, or dreams like you used to? That's because your brain knows being short-sighted is a far safer way to cope right now. Your plans, creativity, energy, focus and motivation are on a yo-yo right now, because your brain believes you need to be extremely adaptive. You will not be on this rollercoaster forever. Be patient with your brain."
Now, I'm not a psychologist so I don't know the degree of accuracy with which this was written but I do think it's helpful in beginning to be kind to ourselves when we've been sat staring at the washing up for an hour and just can't bring ourselves to do it. Or when life is actually "alright" but we feel worried or can't sleep or just feel low or anxious or the thought of another Zoom call makes us cry.
My friend who missed her community group (above) sent me some helpful insights this morning from her pastor at TGC in Williamsburg who as lockdown began felt excited to start church in a new way and bring hope to their community, then...he punched a blender. It happened as he realised his excitement was wearing off and the reality and longer term is setting in. We've probably all had a little 'blender punching' moment. But as I listened to an extract of his talk that my friend sent over, he talked about 3 phases of lockdown that we go through and it really struck a chord.
Initially comes the heroic phase! We want to help, we almost want to put things right and as Christians this is a pull we feel a lot of the time. We've talked over these weeks about hope and being a light in the midst of what is a very dark time for many and for our world. It's scary but we hope in someone greater than ourselves, Jesus who brings hope and life and sovereignty and peace and casts out fear. He is risen and so we too shall rise. I believe these things with my whole heart. Even so, it doesn't necessarily stop the next phase we enter. Disillusionment.
The things we usually occupy ourselves with have mostly been removed. It could be work, the gym, hanging out with friends, seeing family, the pub, cinema, whatever it is, it is no more. This might mean that we're left with our own thoughts more than normal or we just feel a bit alone, fed up, lost, overwhelmed, etc.
Disillusionment comes when we create an illusion for ourselves of what life would look like but then the reality of the days and the thoughts of 'are we still in this?' kick in and it sucks. It's a kind of lament. Life is not going how we thought and this lament could be for outright incredible loss like I mentioned at the start but it could also be a lament bubbling just under the surface appearing at times as sadness, irritability, anxiety or a withdrawal into ourselves. We're currently working through Ecclesiastes in our Werb’s Groups and so much of Solomon's words fit with this feeling of disillusionment. All the striving, the work, the gains, the wealth, the wisdom and on and on, all of it he says is meaningless. A feeling of 'what's the point?'. It's been quite a hard read in the midst of this pandemic! But this phase of disillusionment cannot and will not remain, just like it didn't remain for Solomon. His words at the end of Ecclesiastes are clear "Fear God. Do what he tells you.' (Ecclesiastes 12v13). We have to keep coming back to God. Asking him to reground us and then to rebuild us.
And so to the final stage which is hopeful rebuilding. It's the place we are heading, some may already be there. We look to what is next and we hold on to hope that there will be some good that comes of this. We don't know what this will look like and we don't know when but as we reground and we allow Him to rebuild us He can make the damaged walls and the broken foundations into something new and incredible.
"Afflicted city lashed by storms and not comforted, I will rebuild you..." - Isaiah 54.11 (NIV)
